Okay real talk.

I moved to a new city last year and realized something kind of terrifying - I had absolutely no idea how to make friends as an adult. Like, zero clue.

When you're in school, friends just happen. You sit next to someone in class, bond over hating the same teacher, and boom - friendship. But now? Everyone's busy. Everyone's tired. And honestly, everyone's a little weird about putting themselves out there.

The friendship recession is real, you guys.

Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible

Here's what nobody tells you about adult friendships - they require actual effort. Shocking, I know.

We're all juggling work, relationships, family stuff, and trying to remember to drink water. The idea of adding "make new friends" to that list feels exhausting. Plus there's this weird pressure to be perfect, you know? Like we can't just be our messy, authentic selves anymore.

I spent way too long thinking I was the only one struggling with this. Turns out, pretty much everyone I talked to felt the same way. We're all out here pretending we have our lives together while secretly wondering why it's so hard to find people who get us.

Wild, right?

The Places Where Friendships Actually Happen

So I tried everything. And I mean everything.

Fitness classes were my first attempt. I figured people who show up at 6am for spin class are either super motivated or slightly unhinged - either way, my kind of people. Took me three months to actually talk to anyone beyond "is this bike taken?" but eventually it worked. Now I have a group chat with workout friends that's honestly more active than my family one.

Then there's the classic: hobby groups. I joined a book club even though I hadn't finished a book in like two years. (Don't judge me.) The first meeting was awkward as hell. But the second one? Someone brought wine. Game changer. Now we barely talk about books and mostly just vent about life. It's perfect.

Here's what actually worked for me:

Coffee shops became my office a few days a week. Same spot, same time. After a while, you start recognizing the regulars. One day someone asked to borrow my charger and now we grab lunch every other Thursday. Friendship can be that simple.

Volunteering was surprisingly not terrible? I was expecting it to feel forced, but when you're sorting donations or walking dogs with someone, conversation just flows. Plus you feel good about yourself, which honestly we could all use more of.

The Art of Actually Reaching Out

This is the hard part. The scary part.

You have to be the one to suggest hanging out. I know, I know - rejection is terrifying. What if they say no? What if they think you're desperate? What if they're just being polite?

But here's what I learned - most people are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Everyone's scared of being the "desperate" one. So when you actually suggest getting coffee or trying that new restaurant, they're usually relieved someone took the initiative.

My strategy? Keep it casual and specific. Not "we should hang out sometime" (which never happens), but "want to grab coffee Tuesday afternoon?" Give them an easy out if they're busy, but also make it real.

And if they say no? Honestly, it probably has nothing to do with you. People are busy. Life is chaotic. Maybe try again in a few weeks. Or don't. There are other potential friends out there.

Maintaining Friendships Takes Work (Sorry)

Making friends is one thing. Keeping them is another.

I used to think good friendships just maintained themselves. Nope. You have to actually show up. Text back. Remember important stuff happening in their lives. Be present when you're together instead of scrolling through your phone.

It's kind of like dating, honestly. You wouldn't ghost someone you're interested in romantically (well, hopefully not), so why do we think it's okay to let friendships fade because we're "busy"?

I started treating friend time like any other important appointment. Tuesday dinner with Sarah? It's in my calendar. Can't cancel unless it's an actual emergency. Sounds intense maybe, but it works. We've been doing weekly dinners for six months now and it's become this sacred thing we both look forward to.

Also - hosting small dinner parties has been huge for me. Nothing fancy. Just ordering pizza and having people over. It's easier than coordinating schedules to meet out somewhere, and there's something about being in someone's home that makes conversations deeper.

When You're an Introvert (Or Just Tired)

Look, I get it.

Some days the idea of making small talk with strangers sounds like actual torture. That's okay. Friendship doesn't have to mean being super social all the time.

Online communities count too. I joined a Discord server for people who love true crime podcasts and honestly some of those people feel like real friends now. We've never met in person but we talk almost every day. Is that weird? Maybe. Do I care? Not really.

The key is finding your comfort zone and working within it. If you hate big groups, suggest one-on-one hangs. If you're not a morning person, don't force yourself to join that sunrise yoga group. Make friendship work for your actual personality, not who you think you should be.

Red Flags to Watch For

Not every potential friendship is worth pursuing.

I learned this the hard way after spending months trying to befriend someone who only called when she needed something. That's not friendship - that's being someone's backup plan.

Watch out for people who only talk about themselves, who flake constantly without apologizing, or who make you feel drained instead of energized. Life's too short for friendships that feel like work in a bad way.

Good friends should add to your life, not complicate it. They should celebrate your wins, support you through rough patches, and be able to sit in comfortable silence with you. If someone doesn't do those things? It's okay to let that connection fade.

The Friendship Phases Nobody Talks About

Here's something I wish someone had told me - new friendships go through awkward phases.

There's the overly polite phase where you're both on your best behavior. Then the testing phase where you share something slightly personal to see how they react. The comfortable phase where you can finally be yourself. And hopefully, eventually, the deep friendship phase where you can show up at their house unannounced (but like, maybe still text first).

These phases take time. Months, usually. Sometimes years. And that's normal! We're so used to instant everything that waiting for a friendship to develop feels weird. But the best friendships are the ones that grow slowly and naturally.

I also had to accept that not every new friend will become a best friend. Some people are perfect for grabbing brunch with occasionally. Others become your ride-or-die through quarter life crisis moments. Both types of friendships are valuable. Not everything has to be intense and deep.

What Actually Makes It Work

After a year of actively trying to build new friendships, here's what I've figured out.

Consistency matters more than intensity. Seeing someone regularly, even if it's just for coffee every other week, builds connection better than one amazing hangout followed by months of silence.

Vulnerability is scary but necessary. You have to share real stuff about yourself - not just surface level small talk. Take risks. Tell them about the embarrassing thing that happened at work. Admit you're struggling with something. Let people see the actual you.

And honestly? Lower your expectations a little. Not everyone you connect with will become your soulmate. Some friendships are seasonal. Some are situational. Some surprise you by lasting forever. All of it is okay.

The friendship recession is real, but it's not impossible to overcome. It just requires something we're all a little scared of - putting ourselves out there and risking rejection. But the alternative - being lonely and friendless - is way worse.

My Current Friend-Making Rules

So here's what I do now.

I say yes to invitations even when I'm tired. (Within reason - self-care still matters.) I invite people to things without overthinking it. I follow up after meeting someone interesting. I text my friends random stuff throughout the week, not just when I need something.

I also stopped waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect friend. There's no such thing. Just people doing their best, trying to connect, hoping someone will text them back.

Making friends as an adult is weird and hard and sometimes really awkward. But it's also kind of beautiful? Like, we're all out here choosing each other. Nobody's forcing us to hang out. We're actively deciding to make space in our busy, chaotic lives for each other.

That's pretty special when you think about it.

So if you're reading this feeling lonely or friendless or like you're the only one struggling - you're not. We're all figuring it out together. And honestly? That's kind of the whole point of friendship anyway.